does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dick very happy bro
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
