i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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