I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
