Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
