I just threw up on my dentist
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
only you would photoshop your dick
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
