i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
