remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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