Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
