the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
