My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
