This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
