Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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