Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
