Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
