Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
