Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
