hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
