Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
