I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
