Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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