Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
