we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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