If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
