Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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