Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
