It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
