I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
