We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
