The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
