My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
