My brain says no but my pants say off.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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