The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
