the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
