I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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