I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
