I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
