I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
