this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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