The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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