dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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