i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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