It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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