when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
