Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
