It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
