Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
