took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
