my phone needs a breathalizer
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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