Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
