Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
